As you set out into the world, I hope only beautifully perfect, awesomely amazing, heartwarmingly remarkable wonderfulness for you. I pray you are blessed with a golden touch to turn everything you dream into success. May you steadily be surrounded by love, positivity and joy, and may your Life be a blessed journey through this world.
Unfortunately, Life doesn’t work that way, but Mama will never stop wishing/dreaming/hoping/praying this for you, baby girl.
You walked by yourself down the hall at school this morning. I stood by the front door to make sure you made it to your class without incident. You turned to look back and smiled as you realized I was still watching.
I waved. You waved. And then you turned and walked into your class without looking back. My heart simultaneously soared and broke.
I could see the joy on your face when you realized I was still there, but I also saw determination and independence as you strolled into class. The little girl in you needed her Mama to still be watching, but the young lady you are becoming was prepared to walk through that door and tackle the day.
My heart soared with pride.
Also in my heart, though, I felt sadness. I wondered if I would arrive yet again at the day’s end to find you playing by yourself on the playground. This afternoon when I ask whom you talked to or played with, will you once again reply, “Nobody”? You seem exhilarated by the challenges of your new school, and when I pick you up, you are dreamily happy, but I wonder if you are too shy to make friends or if you feel left out because other kids already know each other.
My heart breaks thinking of you alone in that sea of faces.
But maybe you aren’t totally alone. Before you walked toward your class, a little girl timidly said, “Hey, Sarah.” In the rush of kids bustling up and down the hall, the world stood still for half a second. You blushed and looked away with a grin. She did the same.
Will you talk to this girl at recess? Will she become your friend? Will you be too shy to acknowledge her? Will you waste time hoping friends seek you out rather than trying to make them on your own?
Maybe the only person wasting time is me. I am worrying about things over which I have no control.
Mama can’t save you from everything. In fact, I probably can’t save you from much of anything. Life happens. It happened to me. It happened to Daddy. It will surely happen to Aubrey when she starts school as well. You will have sadness, disappointments and frustrations. You will not always make perfect grades or understand everything the teacher says.
If I could give you all the answers, I would, but I am nearly 38 years old, and each day is a constant search for my own answers. I fear anything I tell you will be what might’ve been right for me and not for you.
SIGH. It’s not for me to stress about.
Your journey is your own, and you will find your happiness without my interference. While I am stressing about friendships and how you will fit in, you are savoring every educational morsel served to you by your teacher. You are delighting in music class, going to the school library for the first time and the many concession stand choices. You are discovering monkey bars, swings, cafeterias, school bells and reading. You are enjoying learning and are not worrying one iota about socializing.
You have to make your own path. And you will.
It won’t be easy or perfect or 100% beautiful. In fact, it might be quite messy and heartbreaking at times. But it will be your own path. And one day, if you have children of your own, you will watch your child walk down the hall to kindergarten. In that moment, you will understand how a Mama’s heart can soar and break at the same time.
You will wave. Your child will wave. When that happens, call me. No matter how old you are, I will still be waving, too.